Heart of An Angel

Mar 29

Letting Go Is Not Giving Up…

Sometimes the best way to hold on to something is by letting it go. That sounds strange to me, yet I believe it’s true. Maybe the separation will reveal what is really there, or maybe, it will reveal what never was there. This is especially true for relationships. “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” I am seeing the truth in that statement more than ever. Trying to hold on tight to someone can be the equivalent of suffocating them. It can also block you from seeing the truth. This weeks message to me was “Let Go”. I didn’t take it to mean walk away, though. It was more a message about letting go of my need for control, my need to fix everything and the stress the envelopes me when I can’t fix it. Until I learn to let go, misery will be my companion. But letting go is hard. How do I just shut myself off and leave our fate up to whatever comes? But I have to, the fight for survival has become too much of a burden for me to carry alone. Maybe letting you go will help us see if we have something worth holding on to. Right now I just don’t know…The hurt within you runs so deep that you can’t see your way out of it. But, I have to step aside and allow you to find your way. If it is meant for us, GOD and no one else will reveal that to us and we will be stronger than ever. Being apart has been so hard, but it is necessary right now. P.U.S.H

Mar 27

Should’ve Stayed Sleep

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I am so damn annoyed right now, and it’s taking everything in me not to react to my mood. I’m just tired. So fucking tired of people. I am tired of being let down constantly by everyone. Tired of feeling like I am the rock and support system for everybody, while I have no one to lean on. Where is my damn rock? Where is my support system? If people only knew half the shit I am going through right now…The feeling of being used up won’t leave me. And the feeling of me drowning while everyone stands by and watches is getting worse. Tired of giving my all and feeling like it’s not good enough, because I never get those things back from anyone. My efforts are never reciprocated. I’ve been betrayed by more people than I can count, what’s the point of trusting anyone? Clearly this will not be a good day… but I won’t cry about it. No point in that. I will get this negative energy out of my system, so I can function. I hate when my mood is ruined by little stupid shit. I should have just stayed sleep the whole day. Maybe then my bad mood wouldn’t have rubbed off on other people.


Lil Miss Sunshine

Mar 25

Survival Instinct

I’m drowning in a sea of indecision

The waves that crash against me, thrashing me around

Represent each struggle that I face

Life seems to get a kick out of tossing me around

Beating me down

Keeping me locked in this place


Whether it’s fear of failure or fear to flying

To act like I know, would be me lying

Because the fact is…I don’t

I just pretend to be okay

I flow with the current

While drifting away

Hoping to find that one way to stay afloat

The problem is I never learned how to swim

I can barely compete with the water’s violence

And I’m starting to feel like I’m losing hope

I can feel them all watching me

Bearing witness to my demise

But they never reach out a hand to me

They never see the hurt in my eyes

But, it’s cool…

The thing about this indecision is, in it, I can either sink or I can swim

And though I didn’t learn, my survival instincts were given to me by HIM

No, I won’t go down easily, though my heart is filled with fright

Miraculously, my legs and arms start to move because my soul is filled with fight

The fight to live

The fight to be free

The fight to take back control of ME

The fight to make sure all fear is erased

The fight to put FAITH in its place

The fight for peace

The fight for serenity

The fight to take down any enemy

Because the fact is I’M HIS ANGEL

He built me to bounce back from every angle

And that is exactly what I will do

At last, ahead I see the shore

I will swim and I will make it through

Jamila Leilani

Just Venting…(written a couple weeks ago)

I feel like i’m lost or maybe I’m just stuck

Between giving a damn and not giving a fuck

I can’t even think straight

I can’t even write

I’m tired of struggling and losing this fight

Tired of being unable to sleep at night

Tired of the stress that’s got me uptight

Tired of standing strong alone

No help in sight, gotta do it on my own

Should be used to it by now

It’s always been this way

I’m starting to see my dreams drift farther away

Drifting faster and higher, right out of my grasp

The one sure thing I was certain would last

But right now the dream seems as vague as my memories of us

My head is overloaded, about to mentally combust

Tired of disappointment and constantly being let down

Tired of waiting for days that never come around

Hearing I worry too much is about to make my ears bleed

I might as well be a mute because deaf ears hear my pleads

I’m tired, so tired, if only people would see

Maybe instead of taking, they’d ask for once what they can do for me

Is that too much to ask?

Am I being realistic?

I just want to be at peace and not have my feelings cast aside like they never existed.

What if I didn’t exist?

Would that get attention?

Or would it go unnoticed like everything else i’ve mentioned

No more pity parties

Didn’t wanna write this one

I’m just tired but can’t sleep and thought i’d let my mind run

Contrary to how it seems, it helps me to purge

So my pen hits the pad whenever I get the urge

to vent my frustration or ink written tears

Because my voice only seems to reach uncaring ears

Jamila Leilani


Mar 24

Fairy Tale Love

For a long time I wondered what it would be like to fall in love. I spent many days and nights fantasizing about it in fact. I heard all the beautiful fairy tales, and I saw all the mushy movies and couldn’t help but to dream up this romantic vision of what my future held. I was rudely awakened by reality the day I finally fell in love. Angelina Jolie said it best in the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith, “Happy endings, are stories that haven’t finished yet..”, how right she was. No one ever shows the parts in those wonderful stories where the couples are faced with all kinds of adversity and hardships. No one ever explains that that couple will get hit with all kinds of rough patches and how to conquer those times. No one ever tells the truth, that a fairy tale love just doesn’t exist.

I had to face that recently, because I am an imperfect woman in love with an imperfect man and our love is far from that of a fairy tale romance. Well, it started like a fairy tale. He came along, very unexpectedly at a time that I was not ready to receive him. But he didn’t give up on me. He pursue me with a fierce determination and persistence that soon broke down every bit of my guard. I was really scared at first. Love had never been kind to me and to think that this time would be different was just crazy. But, this time was different. HE was different. As cliche as it sounds, he was special and had a unique ability to tame the lioness inside me. And that is how my “fairy tale” began. I never knew a love like his before. He made me feel like his world revolved around me, when I was only use to being an after thought. The first year went by in a blissful blur, with dancing thoughts of marriage and kids and a wonderful life together constantly circulating in my head. But, as with all couples the honeymoon period had to end.

We recently crossed our first year anniversary and that makes me so happy, because I have never stuck with a man this long before. But, now I wonder if we have what it takes to stick together forever. I’m seeing more and more how different we are and how different we think and that worries me. Just like a basketball team can’t run different plays simultaneously, he and I can’t travel the same path will trying to go different ways. What good is being on a team if we aren’t in sync? How can we ever when that way? I don’t know if I am still holding on to my ideals of a fairy tale love or not, but I do know that falling in love is easy. Maintaining that love is not. It takes two people on the same page to achieve that happy ending again, because REAL LOVE begins after the fairy tale happy ending is over. You won’t know if what you have is the REAL things until you survive a lot of hardships together. Now that I have learned that, I must wait to see if what he and I have is the stuff fairy tales are made of…

Mar 21

Finally, A true place to speak openly…

Well, I finally jumped on the bandwagon and signed up for Tumblr. It was long overdue. I have craved a place where I can vent and speak openly without being concerned about the fallout of my words and feelings. Tumblr seems to be that perfect place. I pray it can also help me get over my writer’s block by getting me use to writing again. I have truly fallen off from where I used to be and where I need to be now. I guess I am too consumed in other things and other people at the moment. But, I vow to stop that. I must learn how to have tunnel vision when it comes to writing and my goals. I am so looking forward to my blog helping me find my way back…


A book or my laptop or my iPod =)